I am sure you read this title and you laughed. How can a 22-year-old be going through a mid-life crisis? It’s easy. I’m under a lot of pressure.
I started my career two years ago in August. I’m a medical assistant and I don’t make the 18$ wages that my school “promised” I would make. I work 10 hour shifts most days at my new job, and I used to work more at my old. I wake up every single morning dreading the day ahead. Believe me, I love the people I work with. I have been extremely blessed to have met some amazing doctors in this town and I fully believe that people are being cared for by top-notch nurses here in the Grand Valley. But I hate my job. Hate is a strong word. As a Christian, you know growing up its frowned upon and you’re always redirected to “strongly dislike.” But I won’t lie to you when I say, I “strongly dislike” what I am doing. Again, let me remind you that it’s not the people I am around, it’s the atmosphere. I went into this new job with an open mind knowing exactly that I would not be doing the same things I did at my old job, and I was ok with it. But now that I have experienced the new, it’s made me realize how much I miss the old. Now I bet you’re wondering why I left my old job huh? It wasn’t the people and it definitely was not the atmosphere. It was the hours and the fact that I love my husband more than I love a paycheck, and that his company was the only company I wanted to be a part of. So I was given an incredible opportunity to change from night shifts to day shifts and stay within the same company but to be part of a new branch. I had worked hard to be well-known by all the doctors that I came into contact with. I wanted each of them to leave their shift knowing that a hard days work had been completed with the help of fast paced, ready to learn, ready to work assistant. So, a doctor asked me to apply at their branch. I was skeptical at first, but I knew that God would only bring this to me if it was to be good. So I applied and I got the job. I am forever thankful that I took the job because it has made me well-rounded and it has shown me what I want from a job in the medical field. So now you’re probably thinking, ‘Ok Bryce, where is this going? You left a good job for a better job, but it’s still not good enough for you?” Doesn’t that little sentence there have a ton of power? “..not good enough for you?..” It’s amazing how often that is used. This current job is good enough. It’s more than good enough. It’s so good that I want what’s best for it, and I know that it’s not me. You see, I’m ok admitting that my job deserves someone far more than I can be. Someone who looks at the day and they can’t wait to jump in. I don’t do that for them. I used to be that worker when I loved what I was doing. Now I am the worker who does what is minimal and needs done, not the above and beyond. My job deserves better than me, and I have come to terms with that. I’ve also come to terms that I too deserve to be happy and I should wake up everyday loving what I do. So stay tuned to find out where that takes me. I don’t even know yet, but I know that God has something so wonderful in store for me and I have faith in His plan for my life.
So what else could make me feel “under pressure”? I have always wanted to be a mom. From the time I got my very first American Girl doll and she looked like me, I wanted a tiny thing to love. My parents joke that I used to want to adopt three little boys from Africa as a young girl. I remember writing pages of names that I loved and imagining what miracle I would bring into the world. Some people would say though, “Bryce, I thought pregnancy freaked you out?” and I would answer that with, yes it does. It’s insanely frightening thinking about giving birth and feeling kicks and squirms inside your belly, and knowing that this time it wasn’t the Taco Bell you had for lunch (trying to throw some humor into this). I am afraid of that. I’m scared to be in pain and I’m scared of complications. But I’m also excited to experience all of that with Anthony by my side. You see, at 17 with my first boyfriend, a child would have been the scariest thing I could have ever had. I would have had no idea how to raise a child, especially knowing the father and I wouldn’t have been together long after. But now that I am married and I know that Anthony and I would be the best parents we could possibly be, a baby sounds so right. It’s hard hearing, “we’re worried about you.” “If you think you’re ready for a baby, you must have this or that first.” “You’re still so young.” When really all I want to hear is, “I can’t wait for you to be a mom.” “I’m so excited for you and Anthony.” What’s even harder is knowing my chances are slimmer because I don’t produce enough of the hormone needed and my chances of miscarriage are a tad higher. I’ve taken multiple pregnancy tests and seen a negative. So I take another one because my heart is wanting one thing but my body knows the truth. Or when the people you want to be the most excited for you, haven’t jumped on the train yet. Then hearing people throw kids away like they mean nothing when you would do anything to love one. I haven’t even struggled with this for years like some women do. I salute them for being the strongest they can and for continuing to love God so passionately and waiting for His timing and not their timing. I know that when I see a negative, I pray to God that He would bless Anthony and I when He is ready to do so. You see, I don’t think my job determines when I am ready to be a mom. I don’t think all the money in the world has the choice to tell me when I will see a positive sign. It’s not my parents, its not my in-laws, it’s not my friends, it’s God alone who will bring me the greatest gift. So until then, I will continue to pray and we will continue to try. If any women out there that are struggling to conceive, know that my prayers are with you and I would love to hear your story.
My mid-life crisis at 22 has been pretty rough. I have never been so unhappy with my life and so unsure. I’ve never cried as often and I’ve had more panic attacks and anxiety than I ever have in my entire life. I’m so scared to let people down that I don’t even enjoy myself anymore. I don’t smile as much, I don’t surround myself with people as much, and I honestly have no desire to talk about my dreams anymore. It’s been hard. I’ve been more insecure and I’ve questioned a lot of people in my life. “Who’s really for me and who’s really against me?” I’ve questioned my choices and if I made the right ones to be where I am today. It’s such a sad life to live when you feel like despair is your only choice. But, my crisis is short-lived. I am choosing today to be fearless and to be who I want to be proud of. I’m choosing to put more faith into God than I have before and to fully commit my life to His plan for me. I want to be more creative and I want to write more. I want to reach people and I want to hear people. I want to do what make ME happy and what benefits my husband and my marriage. I want to wake up every day smiling because I love what I do and who I am. I want to surround myself with uplifters and prayer warriors. I want to shed the years of worry, the years of stress, and weight of constantly pleasing others, and I want to beam with this new light. I may not know exactly where this takes me yet, but it’s so exciting not knowing and simply trusting God.
TO MY PARENTS: I LOVE YOU. I am thankful you love me so much that you worry about me all the time and what I am doing. MY ONE REQUEST: support me. Please bear with me and my choices and be proud of yourselves for raising a daughter who has a foundation in faith and it’s because she was raised that way.
TO MY HUSBAND: thank you for supporting every decision I make and for never doubting me. You’re my rock and you’re the reason I know I can go into anything unafraid and that I will never be alone in this.
“This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever. In its place is something that you have left behind. Let it be something good.”
I am no longer a slave to fear. I am a child of God and I am excited to share with you all what I have coming. Stay tuned.