I can tell that sometimes I make people uncomfortable. I think it’s because I talk, a lot. And I talk a lot about my life and 90% of the time I don’t leave a story or emotion untouched. But lately I’ve noticed that my heartbreak to get pregnant has made people uncomfortable. Like the fact I talk about it unapologetically and I do cry half the time when the words pour out of my mouth like the morning sickness symptoms I wish I had.
Well, tough luck.
I’m never going to stop wanting to be a mom. And if it makes you uncomfortable, I’m sorry but you’re going to have to deal with it. Because it’s an overwhelming emotionally frustrating part of my life that I want so badly it hurts more than the cramps that come with the sucker punch of mother-nature one week per month.
It’s more noticeable around people my own age. Which is understandable when most of my age group is still in school and figuring out that important current stage of life, and babies are more like two levels away. But when people that are older than me give me this look like “You’re so young” that is what gets me the most.
First of all, I know my age. I celebrate it every year since 1994. So reminding me of it doesn’t do much for me. But what I don’t think they realize is that my entire life has been based on motherhood. The way I care about everyone more than myself and that I try to put their needs before my own. Because making sure you are taken care of is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing before bed. That I love having mouths to feed so I cook for hundreds and I love the feeling of taking care of others. Some may think I’m overbearing and I “don’t need to worry about others.” But how can I stop something that’s ingraved into my DNA and that motherhood isn’t something you can just turn off like a light switch.
It’s hormones and it’s complicated. It’s a Progesterone pill before bed followed by a Prenatal because folate is important. It’s important. It’s important. So I start now even though I have no idea if it’s actually working. Because I don’t feel any different than I did before the hormones. And that’s frustrating because it’s a hard pill to swallow, literally.
It’s seeing family members with their children and not being able to relate to conversations. It’s not being able to relate to friends when they don’t understand why you want kids right now. It’s telling your coworkers you hardly know because you feel like if you keep the heartache inside it’s going to consume you. So you just blabber it to anyone or anything that will listen. Because believe me, I can’t control it. So I know I’m making you uncomfortable. I know some of you don’t need to know that I took four tests and I waited in the bathroom for what felt like 500 years to see ANOTHER negative sign. That some of you really don’t need to know that I’m mentally exhausted and stressing myself out thus knowing that stress doesn’t help you conceive.
But I can’t help it. That’s why I’m writing this. I need you all to know that motherhood… it’s putting your entire heart and faith into God and letting Him take control of the situation. It’s trying your hardest every time you see a negative test, to give it to God and not let it affect your mind. It’s taking care of yourself, physically + mentally + emotionally + spiritually. Because if I can’t take care of myself, how am I going to take care of a tiny human being who will depend on me a good amount of their life. It’s been extremely hard for me to not let it bring me down. I can’t say that I’ve been fine the entire time. I’ve doubted my bodies ability to create life. I’ve questioned my husbands body. I’ve questioned if God will ever bless us – and people, I haven’t even been trying as long as other married couples have. I know that. But every story is different and every process is it’s own.
So, I’m trying really hard to consume myself in His word. Study His promises and remember that He keeps them. I’m learning that loving Anthony with all of my heart and praying for my Husband is very important. Because he will be the father of my children, and he will lead us in our home. So I pray for him every single day. I pray for my marriage, because we need to be examples to our future children. I pray for myself to be a strong woman and a mother of understanding. I talk to my mom and I read others stories and I see the Lord answering their pregnancy prayers in HIS timing. And I see how overjoyed they are when they DO receive their tiny and precious gift.
So it gives me hope that even though my world, my body, my tests are negative now. Positives are coming my way.
And with that, I can have some peace and I can continue without a filter and share our process.
He has made everything beautiful in it’s time. Ecclesiastes 3:11