Nine

23163489_1600786926610609_1712629849_n

Nine months. 

The amount of time it generally takes to incubate a child inside a woman’s womb is the amount of time my husband and I have been trying to conceive a baby. 

Nine months of negative pregnancy test results. I’ve taken about four tests each month so I’ve read roughly 36 negatives.

That’s actually a lot more disheartening to hear when I say it out loud. 

My period was 1 week and 1 day late. I took four more tests and again, had four more negatives. But this time, it really did feel positive. Both my husband and I were sure this time was the time. I had odd symptoms that I hadn’t had the other eight months.

  1. Menstrual cycle was later than all the others – still not fully here but I’m not getting my hopes up on spotting. 
  2. Acne did not appear before menstrual cycle like usual. Actually my face is super clear compared to the normal (really hoping it stays this way)
  3. Did not experience breast pain like I did before 
  4. Lowered appetite ( this home girl can usually eat, A LOT)
  5. A sense of calmness (been on edge the other months)

But I still kept getting negative test results. Now granted I know the above symptoms aren’t the “per-usual” pregnancy symptoms. But believe me when I say this.. I really felt like this round was different.

I’ve cried the last nine months and I’ve felt hopeless. SO many people around me are getting pregnant and apparently I’m not drinking the same water they are. So if anyone wants to hook me up with that I’d appreciate it!

I’ve felt unsure of my bodies ability to show me “real” signs of pregnancy and I truly feel like I’m never going to know I’m pregnant till I’m in active labor and on the television show, “I didn’t know I was pregnant.” Because every time I felt like this was it, my body would somehow show me otherwise. But this last time was more real to me, if that makes sense? This time I just felt like the Lord nudged me a little and showed me some light. 

I’ve felt distant the last nine months. Like my head is one place but my heart is still back at home in bed because that’s where I always end up crying after the fourth negative test. I’ve felt distant from friends because I just feel like I can’t go out and do anything when the “what if you’re pregnant” thoughts race through my head. I’ve felt distant from family because everyone but me practically has a child and I can’t connect on the whole “what do you do for nap time” and the “when I was pregnant” talks. I’ve felt distant from my husband because I feel like a failure as a wife. I should be able to bare children and for some reason I’m just not. I’ve taken the hormones, I’ve read the books, articles, etc. I’ve eaten the “right” foods and I’ve stayed away from the “bad.” I even tried stopping coffee at one point.. (gasps in background) shocking I know. 

E V E R Y O N E  SAYS IT WILL HAPPEN WHEN ITS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. Like they all congregated and decided on a catch phrase to answer my woes and aches. But it doesn’t put a pink positive sign on the stick when I see it. I know that it will happen when the LORD wants it to happen, but giving myself and this desire up to the Lord has not been easy folks. 

It’s really hard putting this desire in the His hands 110% because the idea of not knowing when it will happen – scares me. It’s true that HIS timing will be the RIGHT timing and I need to swallow that pill, no matter how hard it is. 

So, I just throw myself into my bible and I become a fervent prayer warrior. I ask the Lord, “You know my deep desire to have a child Heavenly Father. I pray that you grant my body the ability to conceive, to have a healthy pregnancy, and a baby in Your holy image.” I ask Him to guide my every decision so that it lines up with His plan for Anthony + I as future parents. 

Some of the most comforting verses I read during this period of life are:

“But I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me.” Micah 7:7

“He has made everything beautiful in HIS time.” Ecclesiastes 3:11 

“He gives the childless woman a household, making her the joyful mother of children. Hallelujah!” Psalms 113:9 

“When a woman is in labor, she has pain because her times has come. But when she has given birth to a child, she no longer remembers the suffering because of the joy that a person has born into the world.” John 16:21

I want to thank everyone who has reached out to me regarding this subject + for any other mothers-in-waiting I pray over you that your desire will be heard and that the Lord blesses you. We’re all in this together. 

Please leave a comment about your pregnancy journey whether you’re in the same shoes as me, already a mother, currently pregnant, etc. I’d love to hear and chat with you! 

♥, bryce  

 

6 thoughts on “Nine

  1. Hi Bryce!
    We don’t know each other but I like to read your blog it brings light to a lot of things and being young and in a marriage. I just became a mother recently but our journey was a very scary one. My little girl came 2 and a half moths early and I was not ready at all. She also came into the world while we were traveling through Denver and not anywhere near where we call home now. 12 and a half hours to be exact. Life is funny that way though. I can’t imagine what you are going through with wanting to become a mother and having the heart break. Just know I am praying for you and hope it will happen soon as motherhood is the greatest gift anyone could ever have but it is also the scariest thing I have ever done and ever will do! I wouldn’t trade any part of the journey including the hospital stays and being away from home for a month and a half for anything. Keep your head up!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Karma! I think we follow each other on Instagram 🙂 your little girl is so cute! And I’m beyond happy that she’s doing ok! Two and a half months early is scary – but I hope she continues to stay healthy and grow! Thank you for reaching out to me. I appreciate it so much. I know I might sound like a broken record on here sometimes but I just feel like sharing my journey is better than keeping it bottled up inside my head. I hope I keep producing blogs that spark your interest ❤️

      Like

  2. Hi Bryce! I just wanted to wish you luck in your journey. I can imagine how difficult it must be. I’m not looking to get pregnant for another 5 years, but I can only imagine. Sending lots of well wishes & positive thoughts your way ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. We tried for a year before we conceived our son and then when we felt ready to have another I was worried that because we put the timing in our hands and did not rely on His that I would not be able to be pregnant again. I’ve taken those negative pregnancy tests time and time again and it doesn’t seem fair and it doesn’t feel fair. This current pregnancy was not conceived on our schedule at all. I’m not going back to school until next fall because of this pregnancy. Our idea was to conceive in the fall and have a summer baby and continue my BSN and CMU and God made the point that it’s his time not mine very clear to me. I’ll get my degree and be the nurse I dream of being while the being the mother I’ve wanted to be my whole life in His time.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s